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Joan Jessup

"There is no such thing as a bipolar moment. It is simply every moment of every day."

Month

March 2016

Not A Bipolar Rant

 

Something really got under my skin today so I am doing what comes natural….I am writing about it. I have had a day…that day where everything that can trigger you does. Not triggers my mental illness or a mood swing but just normal everyday stuff that would bother people without a mental illness. Like leaving the toilet seat up or putting the toilet paper roll on with it under instead of over. It’s not like people haven’t wasted a lot of time with those debates. Now I complain about something and it is assumed that it is because I am bipolar. Well let me give you some shock and awe; I can react to something just because it pisses me off, gets on my nerves, or in general just bugs the hell out of me and it has NOTHING to do with my mental illness. TRUE STORY. It happens, I have the same reactions to stuff as someone who isn’t living with bipolar disorder. Just because I have a mental illness does NOT, I repeat, DOES NOT mean that everything that leaves my mouth is some symptomatic rant. I can not tell you how often it happens that speaking my mind is blamed on being bipolar. It can’t just be because I am a woman with an opinion or with expectations. It can’t just be because maybe I didn’t get enough sleep or hey…you tried talking to me before I had coffee. If you have EVER been around me then you know I am not nice before coffee. I make no apologizes for that, it is just who I am. It has nothing to do with having bipolar disorder. It has nothing to do with having Borderline Personality Disorder. It has nothing to do with my anxiety either. I just need my morning coffee. I sometimes just need to be alone. And yes, sometimes I am going to call you out on the bullshit stuff that gets on my nerves. Do everyone with a mental illness a favor and give us credit for being able to have what you(public in general) consider a “normal reaction.”

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The Funny thing about being Bipolar

for blog

        I spent A LOT of time before I was diagnosed, before I was on medication, before I realized that it wasn’t everyone else who was different just trying to be a different person. I had this idea that there was “someone” out there who would make it stop. Make the chaos in my head go away. I would often become what someone else wanted because I was sure that person was that “someone.” Here is where the funny part comes in.

What I have realized is that all the forms I was taking on in an effort to be someone else, I was actually figuring out little pieces of who I really am. See….funny. 

I pretended to like music I didn’t but in truth I was finding that different music that I like. I pretended to like sports like I didn’t only to realize that I really do love some of them. I am a combination of all of those different forms I took on. That chaotic part of my life has helped me figure out who I am.

I am a woman who loves all genres of music. I love what speaks to me and my musical playlist is a ecleptic as I am. I love football. I like Nascar but I can’t sit and watch the circle racing straight through. Instead I have it on in the background while I check my social media or catch up on laundry. I like my hair short, so much easier to maintain. I also prefer it dark to light. I love horror movies and not a fan of silly comedy. Comedy yes but silly comedy not so much. I love my kids but I am not found of all kids. GASP…yes I said it…sorta…I wrote it OUTLOUD. Deal with it.

I am bipolar and it NOT something I am ashamed of. It is not a way of insulting me and it is NOT going away. Last I checked there is no cure. I take my meds, not because someone quizzes me on if I did as a way to use my illness against me but because I choose to be healthy. I am more aware of who I am no and it have made me more aware of my moods and how I react to them. Funny, trying to deny being bipolar has enabled me to accept and understand my disorder.

Moral of the story….even when you feel like your lost and trying to find yourself maybe you already know who you are and it’s just the confirmation you are looking for.

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