My journey to stability in the face of my mental illness has been both a blessing and a curse. I have sat and wondered for many years how it would feel to just fucking be normal. I had no idea what “normal” was but I longed for some peace and release of the chaos within me.
I was an avalanche of destruction. The speed and force of how I moved made it impossible for me to see or think about what I was doing. How the hell do you stop and avalanche when you don’t see it coming? To this day I think about what I failed to see. I let it start to consume me until the headache shuts the swirl of questions down.
The medicine I was prescribed had for me become, “optional” for too many years. In a moment of clarity I made a decision. I would be healthy. I would take the pills, see the doctor, and I would take control. Sitting here now I can say that clarity of a stable mind comes with a price.
The beauty of a chaotic mind is that you don’t give two shits about consequences. There is no forethought as to the outcome on yourself or those around you. Spontaneity is fun, is easy, and lacks any hesitation. There is a simplicity that comes with oblivious euphoria. What is that old saying? Oh yeah, “What goes up must come down.” The crash has been far worse than the fall.
As the chaos in my head has cleared I have seen the complexity of my bad decisions. There is no denying that I became someone I now cannot recognize. I allowed others to use my mental illness as a weapon against me. I became a puppet of sorts with strings pulled in obscure directions.
With the silence that comes with my med compliance I feel an ache in my chest thinking of all the sacrifice that I allowed. This place, this space has been a prison and finding the key has led to emptiness. Enlightenment is not the as easy as I imagined it to be. There are no damn shining lights and trumpets sounding off in my victory. Instead I am given a play by-play hindsight vision of all the mistakes . I am now left to find my way out.
First things first: Get the hell away from all the people who chose to utilize what they saw as a weapon. This means that I have to get a divorce. The person who vowed to love and cherish me for all eternity has find fault in my new-found sanity. Spontaneity has been replaced by caution and grown up thinking. Gone are the days when I felt afraid. I am strong. I have gained acceptance of my mind and awareness of how to feel myself in ways I never thought possible.
It’s funny how people liked me better when I didn’t value myself to see what assholes they were for using their ignorance as a way of stigmatizing me. That shit is OVER! I have managed to make it 42 years. I have survived all the things that could have put me over the edge. I have come out of the darkness of my mind and I have stopped my avalanche. So for those people I say: “Kiss my ass.”
I am not a size 4 anymore and I don’t care. If my ass had to get larger because the pills made me better than so be it. I won’t allow anyone to tell me I looked better before because I love myself now. I will embrace who I am now and let go of the person I was shaped to be. I am in control of where I go from here and I am happy to go it alone. Now I can be with myself. It fucking feels amazing!!!! To be ok being alone is what all of us should be able to do.
I am now ready to delve into all the feelings I have been unable to feel for all these year. No one should have to pretend to be what they are not. Walking on egg shells because you feel the eyes of judgment on you is no way to live. If we as individuals living with a mental illness can see ourselves for who we can be, life can be better.
Stigmas are made to be dissolved. It has happened throughout our history because people stood up as one. We lend our voice to those who have yet to find theirs. We are a voice of millions and we can be heard. Our illness is not a weapon to be used against us as to break our will. We are not weak. Everyday we wake up and go through the hell of our minds we prove how strong we truly are.
The weight is heavy. Facing the mistakes that we were unable to stop is suffocating. That leap of faith in our true strength needs to be made. The road is hard and painful and comes with knowledge that we have to accept. What I can tell you is that we are in it together. No matter who has told you that you are alone, you are crazy, you are a piece of shit, or that you don’t matter. I am telling you that you DO matter.
You matter to me and to every person who needs you to use your voice to help them find yours. My life is my own now. I have been disappointed in myself for bad decisions I have made but I have made peace with what I cannot change. There are no do-overs but you CAN take control of where you go from here.
What are you waiting for???? Go on…be a BAD ASS!