I spent A LOT of time before I was diagnosed, before I was on medication, before I realized that it wasn’t everyone else who was different just trying to be a different person. I had this idea that there was “someone” out there who would make it stop. Make the chaos in my head go away. I would often become what someone else wanted because I was sure that person was that “someone.” Here is where the funny part comes in.
What I have realized is that all the forms I was taking on in an effort to be someone else, I was actually figuring out little pieces of who I really am. See….funny.
I pretended to like music I didn’t but in truth I was finding that different music that I like. I pretended to like sports like I didn’t only to realize that I really do love some of them. I am a combination of all of those different forms I took on. That chaotic part of my life has helped me figure out who I am.
I am a woman who loves all genres of music. I love what speaks to me and my musical playlist is a ecleptic as I am. I love football. I like Nascar but I can’t sit and watch the circle racing straight through. Instead I have it on in the background while I check my social media or catch up on laundry. I like my hair short, so much easier to maintain. I also prefer it dark to light. I love horror movies and not a fan of silly comedy. Comedy yes but silly comedy not so much. I love my kids but I am not found of all kids. GASP…yes I said it…sorta…I wrote it OUTLOUD. Deal with it.
I am bipolar and it NOT something I am ashamed of. It is not a way of insulting me and it is NOT going away. Last I checked there is no cure. I take my meds, not because someone quizzes me on if I did as a way to use my illness against me but because I choose to be healthy. I am more aware of who I am no and it have made me more aware of my moods and how I react to them. Funny, trying to deny being bipolar has enabled me to accept and understand my disorder.
Moral of the story….even when you feel like your lost and trying to find yourself maybe you already know who you are and it’s just the confirmation you are looking for.